Bonheur

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 04:04:19 GMT

jake sent me this link... he said he thought of me. um... i dont get his reasoning for that. ha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cnOvMFnRvs

anyway. i have a headache. :( i am really really sick... i cant even get a shot of tequila down without throwing up everything i have eaten. how unfair life is!!! i just want a fucking drink! ha. meagan dragged me to class today. i took nyquil last night... it will really knock you out, let me tell you... its not as blackout-y as the seroquel, but it works well. acetaminophen... i dunno if i spelled it right, but i love saying that word! and and fluoxetine and benzodiazepine and norepinephrine. why do chemicals get all of the cool names? i am naming my daughter james amitriptyline catches whatever... yeah. hot.
okay. need to sleep again. bye.

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 03:29:36 GMT

I had a very sad day today. My boss gave me a painful assignment... emotionally painful. For the sick reason of keeping others from having access to items that could not be sold by the bookstore, i had the brutal job of ripping up books.  Of course i had to do it in the back room so that no one would be witness to this travesty. I ripped page after page and cut up chunks of trees as little bits of paper were flying everywhere. I watched the water dripping from the air conditioner, unable to bear the pain of looking down at the beautifully colored pictures that showered the pages. I'm sure someone would take an interest in Small Animal Ultrasound or Nutrition in Poultry. Still... painful.

I really was quite appalled. What a waste based on bullshit... it's like Publix throwing out loaves of unsold bread instead of giving them to the homeless. Perhaps they explain themselves by saying that they're helping the homeless.... "Maybe if we dont feed them, they will go and find jobs." These schizophrenics, unable to hold a job, picking flowers from the cemetery to sell while riding their stolen bicycles... in and out of jail.  Selfish Americans and their sick policies.

I miss my roommate. :(   Hopefully she will be back sooner than Monday. We are planning to watch the game. Yes, I like Gator football. ONLY Gator football. It is quite exciting. I have wanted to be a Gator all of my life.  The pride of a child still reigns within me... a little girl with a Gator cheerleading outfit.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 01:27:29 GMT

Went to give plasma, but they rejected me b/c i was 108 instead of 110... think i will go back tomorrow and drink lots of H₂O... water is heavy. i want a DS... jealous of matthew's... he is a silly boy. saw him today... it was nice... i LOVE his new lip piercing and am really happy he got the job at pita pit. he deserves to be happy. anyway. i have an interview at target tomorrow. yay. the possibility of acquiring money is exhilarating. i am pondering uc tonight. not quite sure. now have a linda rondstadt cd. ha. the end.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 00:56:49 GMT

Kiss me wont you kiss me love? and sleep i would inside your mouth. dont be too shy. for knowing it's no big surprise that i will wait for you. i will wait for no one but you.
- i've made love to this song multiple times... when it was making love and not reducing tension/anger.
...together share this smile and tell those tears to cry.    oh please lover lay down.   could i love you? could you love me?
Oh, how I love falling in love... not just with men, with friends.... meagan is so angelic. we went to wauberg a few days ago and she wanted to try out the paddleboat until the rock wall opened... she is so characteristically prim/proper little girl and i think it is so cute and amusing. i ended up pushing the boat in the water by myself and pulling the boat back ashore with her still in it. other people would find that repulsive, but i was quite amused and i loved her even more. pink is her favorite color... she puts insane effort into her appearance, yet she is so down-to-earth. so easy to talk to, so much more beneath the surface... charming, actually. she's a total goofball.
actually cant wait for jake to come into town... need some comic relief... he's insanely hilarious. feeling nervousness of anticipated new beginnings. a little freaked out and excited and doubtful and weird. ready to begin again. i got a 90 on my 3rd personality psych exam... since i got an F and a D on the first two exams, i ended up with a C in the class... better than a D!! yay. well. whatever. i realized that studying isnt that hard.... ha.
I am okay.... a little lonely... miss my friends, but i am trying to focus on school.... surprising, huh? i am still a little sick in the head... i want to sleep more than i should.... also b/c i am so weak with hunger. i am flat out of cash... i am going to go give plasma tomorrow... my tummy hurts constantly. i am in pain, but i am hoping things can only get better. i want a baby monkey (watching hogan knows best or whatever its called)... they adopt a monkey. its a cutie patootie...  must constantly weigh the costs and benefits of my relationships with people. well. sexy cowabunga flower.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 23:28:48 GMT

p.s. i went to class two days in a row. wow.

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 08:27:55 GMT

My sleep schedule is not good. Anyway, since no one really knows me and probably doesnt care to anyway, I decided to make a list of shit. Mainly... b/c i am bored, awake, and drunk. Not a sentence? Dont care.

1) I used to sing and play guitar in a band... I've performed (mostly sang) at a stadium, at my high school graduation, thousands of concerts, All-State Chorus, a wedding, a funeral, the Thomas Center, churches, the opening of the rest stop up by Paines Prairie (ha.), etc. I have "perfect pitch". I was labelled a "musical genius" when I was little... but I quit playing piano b/c I couldnt stand that my mom was always telling me what to do. i was a brat.

2) I dated a guy who was a Quantum Physics Major at CalTech... he is now in prison for blowing up a Hummer Dealership... an act of protest (anti-war)... mmm... I was actually madly in love with his brother (Dustin Cottrell), the most amazing pianist in the world (besides my mother, and no, I am not partial to her. she still IS very much in demand)... I LOVE dynamic musicians... if you took any type of music anything... i am referring to dynamics, and you know what i mean, i think.

3) I am accident-prone and I love it. I once pretended to ram my mom (we were bicycling with my dad) and I fell. Then my dad ran over me. haha. I also got thrown into the street where I almost got hit by a car when a man opened his door into me (another bike accident)... the ambulance came... the fire station was a block away and they turned the siren on, which cracked me up b/c it was on for a second (woo-ooh, woo-ooh, errp!) my siren impression.

4) In 9th grade, the only thing i ate was Caesar salad.

5) People frequently relate me to Audrey Hepburn. That's my celebrity look-alike. Just thought I'd share?

6) I refused to talk to almost anyone until 11th grade when I finally got pissed b/c my friend's cousin asked me what I was taking in school and his mom said, "oh, dont bother talking to her. she doesnt speak anyway."

7) I was student of the year at Martha Manson Academy in kindergarten (hahahahahhahah)

8) I am insanely impulsive to a completely reckless extent. i picked up a guy in a guitar shop in NYC and went home with him... but luckily, it's turned into a fab friendship/love affair.... Andy Moralez

9) I've been afraid of black girls ever since Tanasha Reshard started bitching and screaming at me for slightly grazing her shoulder while walking by.

10) I was stalked by a 36 year old man with a brain injury... I took care of him in a rehab hospital and he started calling my work asking for me and somehow got my cell phone # and e-mail address... he was fucking psychotic as hell. That was terrifying.

Well. Some of this is based on paddy's personal claims for intelligence... as I have discussed with Paul, there are many forms of intelligence.... emotional, kinesthetic, musical, perceptual, creative, etc. I think we all have an equal amount of intelligence, but it is expressed in different ways. Culture and genetics can either inhibit or incite these variations in brain function. The extreme personality differences in our society are proof of a higher power. Natural selection doesnt stand a chance. People are multiplying by the second who will never be anything but poor "white trash" or minorities with minimum wage jobs at 50 years old... but they still have something. Something is keeping them alive and growing. I think we all have a purpose on the Earth and we are all intertwined with equal capacities for transferring our knowledge on to others and affecting the world. Judgment is the only thing hindering us from accepting the fact that we need those "below" us. Jesus knew it all... LOVE is the absolute highest form of intelligence, if one must rate them all.... the ability to love and be loved is why we are alive. We are all capable of it, except the sociopaths who chop up people (but they actually have actual brain dysfunction... check out an MRI of a psychopath... it's crazy)... all you need is love. just ask john lennon... he was a pretty "smart"/intrepid dude.

Well... that's all for now. I'm tired of BSing, or maybe I'm just tired.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 22:56:17 GMT

do you ever look in the mirror and have to look away cos it is too awful? well. i did that today. (this sounds like a really bad commercial... "Change your face today! You dont have to look like THAT any longer!") i couldnt sleep last night and i had a splitting headache... i actually wore my bite plate (rubber thingy that fits my top teeth.. looks like a thick retainer) so that i could have something to grit my teeth on HARD. i missed my first class b/c the power went out and when i woke up to phew calling me (to tell me to get the fuck up and go to class), the clock was flashing 12:45 at 9:30 in the morning... so. i was receiving text messages all night to where i just turned my phone to vibrate and ignored them as best i could. Why are my good, efficient days outnumbered by bad ones? When I wake up at a decent hour and work a full day, I have to sleep through the next nine hundred days until the next good day. Well. I'm gonna go. The computer screen is too bright.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 07:47:03 GMT

I'm going a little insane. So much shit piled on top of my head. I feel out of control. I just cant do it all. I'm so tired of things being so hard. What is going on? I just feel like giving up. Maybe someone will come and murder me... then I wont have to stress out like this. I am losing my mind. I cant think, I sleep too much b/c being awake causes me so much stress over everything and I cant handle it. I feel incapable of taking care of myself. I have migraines at least twice a week. I am currently sick with some flu or something. With my luck I'll probably be fired from my job. I still have to finish an incomplete from 2 semesters ago... and b/c i do not have a total of 12 credits for last year (i have 11), i wont get my scholarship... i am going to try and see if maybe the teacher will just put a grade in... he can put a D in, for all i care... and i can go to his class for the 3rd semester or something. ugh. meanwhile, my parents are wondering why they got a letter from bright futures saying i dont have 12 hours b/c i told them i completed it. i am tired. i need help. i cant find the strength to take care of all of this. :( i dont wanna grow up!!! dont make me. i want to have a bed and sleep forever. i want my kitty, casper, to live with me here. i miss him. he is so fat and squishy. i miss the way he sleeps on my head and purrs in my ear... even if it is loud, i like it. i slept all day and then i went to sleep at 12ish and woke up at 1 and then music called at 2, but i was sort of sleeping and thought i should try to stay that way... then i was thinking way too much and got on the computer... now it is 3:45 and i am still awake. hope i can wake up tomorrow. fuck me.
i'm scared!!!

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 02:07:03 GMT

I am having stats issues... i cant seem to figure out how to find the p-value. i'm all mixed up, dont know what to do... isnt that a 311 song? whatev. my teacher doesnt allow graphing calcs, so i have to use a wimpy scientific one and it sucks ass. it took me 3 friggin hours to do one fucking problem (figuring out how to find a confidence interval by hand). that is a review from stats one... i took it 3 semesters ago and that teacher was cool and awesome and without her notes (i still have) i would be screwed.

meanwhile, meagan has people over for the weekend and i dont feel like being social so i am hiding in my room... now i hear someone crying and someone yelling and i dont know any of these people and i dont actually care. i slept all day like a loser. or just a really tired person. and the rest of the time was spent on stats... and what do i have to show for it? 3 problems completed. ha. i need to go to a math lab or something. not to mention i have serious ADD issues. hell. heaven. peanut butter.

well, i gotta keep working... good. bye.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 07:38:08 GMT

haha... i went to facebook to check my whatever and i didnt even think, why didnt i have to sign in and why is there a picture of phew here? heheh... i even denied going to a party that i already denied... luckily i didnt do the security question prompt AGAIN... i was annoyed that it asked the question again... not until i logged off did i realize i was on phew's site... hehe.. i is stupid. i will continue later... phew wants my computer for toilet viewing pleasure. ew. he has a thing for toilets, i guess... weird fetishes.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 21:35:39 GMT

i am eating bugatini rigati with tomato sauce... so basically, spaghetti... it is currently all over me. whoop-dee-doo. eke was at newman's bday partay yesterday. she hates me. why? i hate it when people look at me in that snobbish way. it isnt right! she is way too defensive of her friends... apparently lid was yelling at newman for being a jerk and eke said, "when my friends speak, i listen." ... um, hello! friends are supposed to be honest about their feelings with each other. um. duh. why do i sound like such a valley girl? it's annoying.
i had fun with lid last night. even tho we have our little problems, our love remains strong. What? Okay! ...had a lil jon moment... you know, he really isnt that little. what a liar.
and i'm a dork.

so many ellipses

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 06:43:14 GMT

wow. my face is dark!!! phew and i spontaneously drove to the beach today, you see.... and now i am black.... invisible in the night. phew is a lobster.... invisible only in creepy rooms with red lights that make your eyes tired your mind dizzy (maybe that's just me). so. i was happily floating along in the ocean when matt starts screaming at me to come back... i didnt know what the deal was and tried to swim back, but the current was super strong, sending me to the left, towards these huge poles with barnacles growing on them.... finally i was standing on the ground but could not move except where the waves picked me up and hurled me... i was scared and i thought i might die and why is everyone screaming at me? obviously i didnt drown. so end of section 1 of beach day story.
THEN.... i was standing in the water and this wave threw me into phew's back.... i chinned him and i thought i must have lost all of my teeth for a while there.... now it just hurts to chew.... and somehow my shoulder is scraped up from me plowing into him.... i must have hit the ground, i guess. well... i lost a contact, and i drove part of the way home with faltered depth perception... my eyes are REALLY bad.... i am legally blind... luckily, phew took over the wheel and i have disposables... my teef hurt tho.
hoping work will begin again soon... poor liddy... she must feel awful. i am ashamed to be a borrower... i would rather be the lender, for sure. this plasma giving business is helping a little... i just have to wear heavy clothes so i weigh enough.... but if she doesnt get rid of the fleas in the house i might commit suicide.... they have completely infested the house. it is awful. i squish them to death or just decapitate them... but i dont feel guilty. oh, no. i dont think liddy wants to be the one to kill them... she avoids killing mosquitoes at all costs and picks up roaches with her hands and carries them outside. ha. she is so something. i dont know whether to be impressed with her compassion or disturbed.
i put on a TON of lotion and my skin sucked it right up. i heard slurping.
okay. gonna stop before i write anymore nonsense.

whoop-tee-doo!!!

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 01:59:21 GMT

Dear Diary,
I finished my last mentored interview today with a perfect score. Yay. It started 10 minutes before the end of the shift, so i didnt think anyone would be listening, so i am happy... the firl said i am being recommended to take the exam to get out of the mentoring program... then i wont be doing such shitty surveys and i will be able to pick up shifts... whoopie!!! AND i got my first paycheck!!! not big, but it's something... ill be bringing in the big bucks soon enough. haha.

btw, it turns out some motherfucking asshole shiteating country redneck hick dipshit shot my baby kitty in the foot with a 22... he went back to the vet for the 3rd time b/c he wasnt getting better and the 3rd vet recognized it as a gunshot wound... can you believe that? my mom is filing a report big time. we live in this country area where everyone's animals roam around and explore and casper apparently went somewhere dangerous. poor baby. he's not a bad kitty. what if they had shot and killed him and he died? we would never know what happened to him!!

upside down.

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 08:49:20 GMT

i cant sleep anymore, so i wont... i just finished "she's come undone"... strange how i couldnt put it down for most of it considering the fact that it is one of the most depressing books i have ever read... he's an incredible writer, did a great job writing from a woman's point of view... it hurt me especially considering the fact that i could relate to a lot of what the main character went through. it is a story that depicts a woman's life from a very young age to about 40 years old as she struggles with the really horrible experiences she endured and coming to respect and accept herself... she reaches like 257 pounds b/c of depression over all this shit. his 2nd novel was depressing as well, but i liked it a lot better, b/c it wasnt so close to home and it was enlightening... it actually goes through a man's life... a man whose twin brother is a schizophrenic... amazing book. i made my dad read it. he loved it too. and chrissy and my brother liked it... haha. i am stupid. anyway, it is called, "I Know This Much is True"... brilliant writer Wally Lamb is. liddy gave me this book called, "dance with me"... i didnt think it that great, but she did... it was ok, i guess... it didnt make me think enough so i have already forgotten what it was about. she said it depressed her but i didnt think it depressed me at all... maybe i shouldnt let her read "She's Come Undone" even though she said she wants to. I refuse to let you read this, liddy!!! that's what i will say.
my hair is sticking out in every direction... waiting for it to get long enough so i look more feminine again and less lesbian... not that i mind looking like a lesbian, but i always feel weird dressing up when my hair is this length (or lengths) :) well... i feel so ugly lately... washed out and with blue half-circles under my eyes. maybe related to my fucked up sleep schedule... is that one of circadian rhythms? i dont remember much about body rhythms anymore. i'll have to look it up. i feel so much more motivation to do things at night, though... unfortunately, no one works in the middle of the night, so i cant do certain things i need to do.
meanwhile, work is going ok... it can be tiring... my voice gets worn out when we do studies where we have to call and leave messages on the answering machines, b/c so many people have answering machines... i think i am doing pretty well, but i have made a few mistakes that will be somewhat easy to fix... we do telephone surveys, btw... i got asked out by a black dude from miami over the phone... i told my mom b/c i thought it was funny... she said the same thing happened to her at the alzheimer's association and she said, "i'm 50 years old!!" heheh... i guess it was a young dude.

my kitty at home, casper, got bitten by something... a brown recluse (sp?) he has a black wound on his paw and he is limping around... so pitiful. and he has to wear one of those lamp shade collars that keeps him from scratching/licking. poor baby... he is happy he is getting all of this attention, though... he has been grumpy b/c he used to be the chief cat of the household, but walter, who is younger, has taken over. they never got along... conflicting personalities i guess. casper might also be mad b/c i'm not living there any longer... he loves me, my baby kitty who is 20 pounds. ha. i gave matthew 2 of my perscription sleeping pills... actually they are anti-seizure drugs, but my doc gave them to me for sleep... he is totally knocked out... kinda funny, he should be awake at this hour. i am bad... i should check on him and make sure he hasnt died in his sleep. j/k.

Sun, 21 May 2006 01:08:04 GMT

i just picked a flea out of the inside of my bellybutton... itchy.
i had my first day of work today (training)... it was fun. there are a bunch of young people working there, so i am excited to make some new friends.
Some interesting things have happened within the last couple of days. I am dating someone officially now... i'm not sure who it is exactly, but i am sure it's someone cool. haha. we are together, but of course i have to be skeptical/careful... blah, blah.

Fri, 19 May 2006 04:10:01 GMT

well... i just saw capote. i dont know if i liked it... i like dark movies, but it ran kind of slow... the acting was awesome, however... well he DID win best actor for the role.

my friend in the hospital had his surgery early this morning. he came out of it really well. he was talking coherently, had his old sense of humor... twas just a miracle. apparently, the tumor is HUGE... they took out a large portion of the frontal lobe and the medial lobe... the tumor had been pushing against the brain stem... it has fingered itself around the blood vessels in his brain and will probably metastasize... it IS malignant and they are actually pondering whether they should do chemo or radiation... he still has the hiccups (he just hiccups for hours... you know how old that can get). so yay.

juan called and then he showed up at my house today... i didnt answer the door... i REALLY dont like it when people just show up at my house, unless they are friends or an official significant other. that's fucked up. i want him to die... (thats just my sick sense of humor), but no -- how do i tell him i want absolutely nothing to do with him, that we dont have chemistry, that i treated him kindly and honestly... the same way i treat everyone... it was nothing different for me (he thought i confided in him things that i hadnt told anyone else... yeah, right). it's not some crazy wonderful love story. he leaves messages like, "you are impossible to get ahold of", and "your cell phone is useless"... doesnt he get that i am ignoring him? that i dont want to talk to him? i just want to fucking scream when he calls. it's bullshit. it's like when people have crushes on people they dont even know or have talked to ONCE (juan), but they think they are brilliant. like blu, for instance... assuming i am "wonderful" (that was his nickname for me)... w/o even really trying to get to know me... whatev, whatev. i dont appreciate being underappreciated, but i go with it sometimes... and it's not that i disrespect myself.. it's that i have a LOT of patience for people and i enjoy the challenge of "winning people over"... it's a challenge that's well worth it.
psychological fact: people like people who see them the way they see themselves, whether bad or good... so if i truly think of myself as a jerk, then i like people that think the same of me.

i came home aching to sing and i get here and liddy's sleeping... pisses me off, her going to bed at 10... i know she has work early in the morning, but come on!! :) also, she left a message on the bed to clean the dishes and it was kind of rude... it amuses me that when i was sick and depressed and cooked nothing, she let the dishes that SHE used sit there all piled up for weeks to a month and it smelled AWFUL. so when i actually made an attempt to use them i would have to scrub rotting food off the pans. i dont really care enough about anything right now to be annoyed by it, though.

i'm cooled off about phew.. he's so apathetic about me and it hurts my feelings... but then he turns around... it's exhausting, but i like it. i am stupid and self-tortuous...

Thu, 18 May 2006 08:38:39 GMT

i'm not very good at this kind of thing... i used to be stone-faced, but not anymore. i wonder if i should just hide from the group for a while... of course that's not going to happen. i stopped crying, at least for now. branden put his music on myspace and his voice makes me melt... it makes me nostalgic for him and even more sad about my life here in gainesville. i miss going to france with him and walking the streets of new york with cigarettes we bought just for fun... and going to mobile, alabama to see him perform in turandot... and figuring out songs and singing them together...some of my favorite memories are with him and paul.
i am really sad right now. i dont think anyone really cares... but that's how i feel. and i just dont know what to do with myself. i dont trust myself... oh. my mood will stabilize eventually. even if it's at the bottom. whatever.

Thu, 18 May 2006 07:02:26 GMT

i just spent 4 hours at the hospital... when i arrived, i felt a little nostalgic... like i am destined to be in medicine... i'm so familiar with and even comfortable in hospitals and the like. ANYWAY. i went to visit this man, frank... sunday, he woke up at midnight with this really strong smell in his nose... he said he thought something was burning and it smelled like plastic. he left his house b/c he felt unsafe and he could tell something was off... he drove himself to the emergency room and right when he got there he had a seizure. they did some MRIs on him and they believe that he has a huge tumor in his brain. the tumor must be affecting the olfactory centers in the brain (weird smell)... he has been smelling it on and off since. due to the pressure of the tumor, he has been having hiccups -- but only when he is awake... i dont know if you can tell, but i am INSANELY fascinated by this/the brain/medicine... so this guy never had any symptoms and here is this tumor... the surgeons will be working on removing it tomorrow and finding out whether it is benign or malignant. Because it is so deep and where it is, most likely, his speech will be affected (whether impaired or lost completely) and his right peripheral vision will be lost... currently, he is a little out of it.... very aware, but not quite understanding the situation.
i was with him by myself for a while and then his twin sister showed up (she used to be a boss of mine, but i knew him B4 that)... then some other fellow employees came by and we all had a nice visit. they are much older than me and kept saying, "this is why you have to live every moment of your life" and "you never know what's going to happen tomorrow"... for some reason, i feel affected, but unaffected... dissociated... if it's from working with the sick for so long and getting used to terminal illnesses and death(at one place, within a year and a half's time, about 20 people passed away that i took care of and really grew to love), or what... it's amazing how we can get used to the idea of death... i wonder if our making light of the topic with tv makes the grieving process harder than it might normally be... i say that just b/c tv and magazines are the masters of reality distortion.
thanks to jesse (yes YOU, theoryofevrythn), i just ate a thousand tootsie rolls... i didnt even think i liked tootsie rolls... i even ate them b4 the stuff i actually like to eat... i have been eating so much junk lately... thats what happens when you are poor, though. healthy food is bespensive (try to say that with a ghetto accent).

ME SO HAPPY!!!! i got the job... whoopie!!!!!!

Wed, 17 May 2006 01:56:45 GMT

soo... yes, yes, i got the perfect job, but i dont feel like describing it, b/c everyone keeps asking and i really dont know exactly what it is except that i will be doing telesurveys for uf survey research lab... chip got me the job... sweetums... ha.

so, juan, the photography guy is stalking me... he called so many times and i didnt call back, but he showed up at my apt today bearing gifts... he put one of the pics of me that he took in this really nice frame... yikes. and he wrote this really long letter saying that when i told him my story he felt for me and he had this intense connection with me... and he is assuming i feel the same way... why do people do that? just b/c one person feels one way, doesnt mean the other person agrees...
for instance, i like phew (god wishes to torture me), but i can read phew's body language and his eyes and i know his mind isn't always where i'd like it to be... i am AWARE that he really likes L... so, i guess what i am trying to say is that we can't all just believe what we want to believe... i used to, until i realized my intuition never let me down and not listening to it inevitably leads to misery...

meanwhile... i cut myself shaving. i have this obsession with blood... it's so beautiful and warm.

AND i wrote a song yesterday... and i went to uc and fell in love with newman in drag and i saw chip and alex and elizabeth and naomi and matt and carlos and ryan and heather and... wow. i am so mesmerized by beauty... ryan is so cute and matt is soooooo gorgeous... shiny black hair and green eyes and beautiful mouth... so hot... why couldn't i have been a gay man???? :) j/k, j/k... well. maybe not j/k. ;)

letting go of some memories...

Sat, 13 May 2006 19:27:41 GMT

i'm at my parents house in high springs... we have 5 new baby guineas (african chickens). they are so cute... they look like baby ducks... they have white streaks in their little black and brown fuzz... so pretty... we have a huge pitcher full of eggs in the fridge. i guess those are the ones that are questionable as to whether they would hatch or not.... dad makes teddy (the yorkie pekanese shitzu) a guinea egg every morning for breakfast... wow. last year, car and i decided to cook some guinea eggs for breakfast and we opened them all and the last one was rotten... it splattered in the bowl with good eggs. car cleaned it out and ate the good eggs anyway.... i was too grossed out... it smelled SO awful. the egg was all green and kind of chalky inside. it was the most disgusting thing i have ever smelled in my entire life. at that time, Porgy and Bess had 2 baby peacocks. car and i named them beaky(boy) and nobeak(girl). nobeak had messed up her beak when she got it stuck in some fencing or something. it didnt close all the way. we loved her especially, though. beaky was perfect in looks, but he was avoidant. nobeak was so sweet. she would jump and sit on our shoulders. she followed us around the yard and car and i would play fetch with her. ha. we would throw a little piece of bark and she would snatch it up with this goofy little attitude. it was so adorable. then one day, mom put them in the pen with the guineas instead of the peacock pen (which was secure) and a fox snuck in and dragged nobeak away... beaky was dead in the pen... you could see the struggle where he had tried to fight off the fox... we found his head several feet away from his body... later we found nobeak's feathers strewed around the foxhole. we were all so devastated. mom had raised them since they were born. we thought that maybe we raised them to be too nice. nobeak was so friendly, she chased the dogs around.